It’s the final day of a year that I’ve been waiting to release to faded dreams of memory. For all the heartache of 2014, one would think I should be giddy to begin anew. But, that’s the thing about “shoulds,” they never do any favors.
Instead, I find myself quietly reflective on this December 31, 2014. After all, why would I want to forget when I have learned so much? How can it be that just a short year has passed when at times it felt so very long? If I had known it was to be my year of Aeschylus, would I have trod the same road?
He who learns must suffer. And even in our sleep pain that cannot
forget falls drop by drop upon the heart, and in our own despair,
against our will, comes wisdom to us by the awful grace of God.
At first glance this quote seems so very depressing doesn’t it? But how apt a description of my 2014! Did you notice it there in the center? In our own despair, against our will, comes wisdom. I fought against that wisdom for far too long in my selfish attempt to escape the chains with which I bound myself. But the harder I fought, the stronger the chains became. In the end, the only way out is through. My suffering has made me stronger, but still it stands like a hovering cloud blocking the light from above. So…I have been begging God to show me a purpose for it all, to provide a new lens through which to see the intense pain of the past year. And by His grace, it is slowly happening…
For don’t you know…there was so much beauty in the midst of the pain. There was so much loving and learning and growing. So. Much. Grace. Miracles. Relationships. Trust. So much hope that’s not meant to be tucked away inside. Truthfully, I am scared to take the first step that’s asked of me. To. Write. It. Down. I sense that it will take time, lots of time, and I don’t know if I will ever be ready to publicly share all the details. I do know that this story of mine cannot be kept inside where it continues to whirl inside my head. Only by reaching back into the darkness and pulling it into the light will I finally be free to let it go.
So, I hereby dub 2015 the year of writing. I shall write and write and write. Taking my time to write privately as well as publicly at Seeking The Still. I will share with my confidantes and continue the sifting. Most importantly, I will pray to God that He would show me how much to share and when. As the veil continues to lift, and my eyes are opened to see more clearly, I know deep within my soul that there will be healing here. For my journey has been marked by the bravery of others bold enough to share their dark night stories. I saw myself there and know others will see their story in mine. We are all souls simply plodding our way back home…