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Gray. That’s my color today.  I’m unmotivated, foggy-headed, and tired. It’s day 19, and I don’t want to write. I thought about copying and pasting an inspirational quote just to check this day off my list, but I did that yesterday. So, I’m just going to write. For 5 minutes, I will write. I have no topic in my head and no desire in my bones. But I. Will. Write.

The clock is ticking and my fingers are speeding. What to write when the words won’t come? I wonder if I could ever be a real writer. You know, get paid for books and articles and such. I’m afraid the words would stop. Deadlines, pressure, editors. Would I fit into that world? Do I want to fit into that world? My cozy little blog is a nice place to be. There’s nobody telling me what to do. I write what I want to write when I want to write. Except for today. Today I write when I have no words.

My dog is barking and the breeze barely enters through the windows opened. I sit at my desk and can see myself in the mirror reflected across the way. Am I writer? What if I have nothing left after this story I tell? After the 31 days of writing down the bones will I want to move on? I don’t want to stay here, that’s something certain. All the “how-to” books say that one of the first steps of writing is to find your voice and find your focus. Do I want the focus of my writing to be on painful memories of the past? I want to let them go and hold my hand out to the future, but I’m afraid. I don’t know what’s out there. The what-ifs begin to plague me, and I feel myself slipping. The timer buzzes.  I am saved.

31daysThis series is not a tidy story of a fairy tale life.  It is messy and truthful.  For 31 days, I will share pieces of my journey, practical coping techniques for dealing with anxiety, spiritual insights, emotional struggles, and a whole lot of other.  I will likely  jump from here to there as the Spirit leads.  I invite you along as I share my experience, my strength, and my hope.  Please check this page every day in October for the latest post or sign up to receive new posts directly in your inbox.  Thank you for being part of this journey with me.  Together, we shall seek the still.