I feel like I’m slowly emerging from the fog that has been my life for the past 6 weeks. It’s hard to explain what it’s like for me to exist in early pregnancy. The best way I can describe it is suffering from the morning after a night of binge-drinking only you didn’t get to have the fun of the party and you never get to that point where the fog lifts and you can see clearly again. Don’t get me wrong, it IS all worth it in the end but these past few weeks have really put me to the test.
When I visited the Hearts at Home conference with Dana a few months ago, a few of the speakers talked about the “medicinal grace” that brought them out of their respective depressions. At the time I cast a skeptical eye on these testimonials that seemed to put such a positive light on anti-depressive medication. I’ve always been one to say “suck-it-up” and at least try to pull yourself out of it before jumping on the medicinal bandwagon. Plus, to equate medicinal remedies to God’s Grace of salvation seems a bit extreme. However, after these past few weeks I must say that I have a bit more understanding of what it must be like to suffer from depression. I still think anti-depression medicine is probably way over-perscribed, but if it keeps someone from feeling like I have for the past several weeks then maybe it’s not all that bad.
There were a few weeks when I couldn’t even bear to drag myself from bed. I kept telling myself it was because of the hormones, the all-day-sickness and the fatigue (which it was) but this time around there was something else at play, too. There were honestly days when I thought to myself, “I can’t do this and I don’t want to do this.” I didn’t want to go on with any of my roles in life, I just wanted to stay in my cocoon of a bed and shut away the rest of my life. Fortunately, I’m an achiever and responsibility is also my middle name. So, the nagging thoughts of what would happen if I didn’t get my butt out of bed prevented me from taking any extreme measures, but I SURE WANTED TO! When you’re in that state of mind, it’s impossible to see the light at the end of the tunnel and it’s hard to make anyone understand. I’m just glad that my experience was due to early pregancy and not a more persistent state…for anyone out there who can’t get past the fog, talk to someone and don’t let them tell you it’s all in your head or that you’ll get over it soon. Depression is a real sickness and should be treated as such. Maybe with medicine, maybe not, but certainly with a doctor involved!
I think I’m over the worst of it now. I still gag at the drop of a hat, but at least the all-day nausea is gone and now the worst of it is from about 4pm to bed time. I’m at 11 weeks, YIPPEE! So hopefully even that will be gone in the next few weeks. Here’s a SHOUT OUT to all you moms who have experienced the blahs of early pregancy! You’re all Saints in my book!